Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR51-60/hum056

Internet Message Format | 1994-03-21 | 111KB

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Date:         Mon, 7 Mar 1994 06:34:06 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00056"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 24 Jan 1994 21:21:21 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Angel Dey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      AIDS at 94 <humor of those of the golden years>

An old man goes to the doctor to get the results of his latest test.  The
doctor tells him "You have AIDS."  The old man goes to the park and sits down
on a bench besides a friend.

"Can you imagine?" he asks. "I have AIDS at 94!"

"So what?" responds his friend. "I have IBM at 160!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 24 Jan 1994 22:21:23 EST
Reply-To:     Bill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Letterman-Top-Ten & Sniglets

This past weekend we hit the 2000 registration mark including over 400
international site members from 40 countries. Italy and Saudi Arabia
provide the largest membership from non-English language countries.

By arrangement with the Letterman-Top-Ten list, HUMOR will start, very soon,
receiving these post directly from that list. If you are subscribed to
the Letterman-Top-Ten list be prepared to unsubscribe from that list. If
you prefer not to read this feature, you can skip'em.

Thank you for your contributions to the names/occupations fun. We may be
over-doing that a bit (rule #1 is to provide a substantial example of
HUMOR in your post). Some of the contributions have been marginal. So
if you still have some good ones--we don't censure and we aren't suppose
to publically flame or praise--send 'em on. :-)

The character of HUMOR is focused on humor (no chatter, please), and
shorter forms of humor at that. We encourage a wide variety of tastes
and subject and forms of humor (give us a warning when needed and a subject
everytime). Remember we have international members, so whenever possible
state the humor so an international member can understand it.

As a general rule, remember that several hundred people read this list for
HUMOR. We need to be sensitive about the amount of mail HUMOR is sending out.
Courtesy requires that each message provide a *substantial* example of humor
and the accurate use of the subject line should show respect for the variety
of tastes as to what is funny to difference people. When HUMOR mail gets
heavy, consider holding off your posting until the next cycle. If you see a
rule violation, please don't comment to the list. Send the offender a polite
private note, if anything. The listowner conducts list business privately.

For your information, the following are the seven rules of humor:

1. Only substantial examples humorous material should be posted to this list.

2. The topic must be clearly identified in the subject line.

3. When there is potentially sensitive or offensive content (topics, themes,
or words), a warning is required. Examples: <risque>, <adult themes>, <rude),
<political>, <ethnic>, <profane>, <sick>, <____ offensive>, <____ bashing>.

4. Posts should be shorter than 50 lines; HUMOR will not accept posts longer
than 99 lines (headers and signatures count in the total).  If you would like
to share a larger file, especially collections, please post a sample of that
file and offer to accept private requests for the complete file.

5. Requests, comments, discussion, responses, criticisms, questions should be
posted privately to original sender; not to HUMOR.

6. There is a limit of one post per person per day.  A post may contain
multiple examples of humor.

7. No personal attacks against members of the list.

*Obligatory Humor*

SNIGLET -- Any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should.

BROOP -- The useless pocket on a pajama top.

COINOPHONY -- Annoying pocket concerts conducted by people (usually men)
   who like to jingle keys and change, often accompanied by a rocking
   motion. (koy' nah foh nee)

MIRRORCIDE -- Leading cause of death among finches and parakeets.
   (mi' rawr side)

RUMPHUMP -- The seat on the school bus directly over the rear wheel.

THREEK -- A fork with a bent tine.

THRUB -- The small web of skin between the thumb and index finger that
   makes us 0.0005% amphibian.

Source: Rich Hall and friends *Unexplained Sniglets of the Universe*
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 24 Jan 1994 22:56:22 EST
Reply-To:     David_Douglas <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         David_Douglas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: removal from humor network
In-Reply-To:  Your message of Mon, 24 Jan 1994 08:59:00 -0500

On Mon, 24 Jan 1994 08:59:00 -0500 you said:
>I thought it would be fun to get lots of messages, but I find most of the
>material that comes through the humor network to be either offensive or stupid.
Golly Barbara. I thought that's what humor was. Offensive and stupid.
Try femrel.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 00:08:28 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nic van der Vyver <[e-mail]>
Subject:      ANGUISHED ENGLISH (no offence)

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From: Nico van der Vyver
Subject: ANGUISHED ENGLISH (no offence)

Some of the things school kids write when they run out of steam
while having to go for pass marks during exams make good reading,
albeit perhaps painful for the language sticklers.   Following are
a few quoted "truths" from teacher Richard Lederer's book "More
Anguished English"  :

* Migration is a headache birds get when they fly south during winter

* the Great Wall of China was built to keep out the Mongrels

* the Seventh Commandment was Thou shalt not admit adultery

* in Christianity a man can have only one wife.   This is called monotony.

* I have enjoyed my boyhood so much that I am looking forward to my
  adultery

_________________________________________________________________________

enjoy.   (I ran out of sick days, so I called in dead).


n
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 00:20:59 -0500
Reply-To:     "Nigel H. Mendez" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Nigel H. Mendez" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to homosexuals and people with AIDS

A man goes to see his doctor for his yearly check-up.  The doctor says to
the man 'I'm sorry to tell you this but you have AIDS'
The man says 'Oh no, What should I do about it doc?'
Doc says go to Mexico and eat all the spicy food you can eat, drink all
of the tap water you can.
The patient jumps in and says 'Isn't the tap water bad for me?'
the doctor is like 'no,no just do like I say and eat all the food and
drink lots of water for two weeks straight'
The patient says' Well Doc are you sure this will cure me?'
The doctor says" No It won't cure you but it WILL teach you what you
asshole is supposed to be used for!!!'

-Nigel
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 02:31:37 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "A. Nonimouse" <[e-mail]>

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

*** Resending note of 25/01/94 08:02
 index  humor
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 24 Jan 1994 22:40:52 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Garleon Foster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Unsubscribe

Please unsubscribe humor.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 17:35:24 +1000
Reply-To:     George Tahmindjis <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         George Tahmindjis <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Slightly offensive to Females

Slightly offensive to women:

A friend of mine was in a pub in Newcastle, north of Sydney (bushfire
capital of Australia) when a guy came in and went to the bar and said
"I'll have a schooner of new and you".  (A Schooner is a large glass and
new is new type beer.)

The barmaid answered "Here's the schooner, but you can't have me!", to
which the guy answered "Well how about $200 to make it worth your while?"

The barmaid accepted and said "Upstairs, room 13 at 10 o'clock."

The next day the same thing happened.  "I'll have a schooner of new and
you." The barmaid once more accepted the offer at $200.00.

The third day the guy came into the bar and asked "A schooner of new
please."  The barmaid gave him the beer but was worried that her 'little
earner' of $200 per night was at an end.  She thought that she had better
find out more about this stranger (benefactor?) so asked a few questions.

"Where are you from?" she asked.

"I'm from Brisbane" was the reply.

"I've got a brother in Brisbane!" said the barmaid.

"I know," was the reply, "and he gave me that $400 he owed you to give to
you.

-Moral of the story?
???

-George T
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 07:22:21 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Philosophers <graffiti>

To do is to be.
            Rousseau.
To be is to do.
             Sartre.
Doobedoobedoobedoo
               Sinatra
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 09:06:41 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Hilde Horvath <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another Bobbitt

I don't know how this will translate to written humor...this morning while
driving to work, one radio person was talking about John Bobbitt's being
accused of fathering some woman's year-old child.

The other radio person said, "what did *she* find it before Lorena did?"

Well, it "sounded" funny, anyway.

Hilde Horvath
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 09:14:19 -0500
Reply-To:     "Gamble. Bev" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Gamble. Bev" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      unsubscribe

Please unsubscribe.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 09:42:31 -0500
Reply-To:     "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission,
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission,
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      UNSUBSCRIBE

Please unsubscribe me from the part of the HUMOR list which consists
of individuals writing in to ask to be unsubscribed from the HUMOR
list.

I have seen this joke repeated many many times, but I still do not
understand it.

However, I feel that it may be offensive to individuals who are
courtesy-challenged.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 09:49:22 -0500
Reply-To:     JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         JOHN VOGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Washington Post Style invitational (PG-13)

     Again, the Washington post has a weekly column called the Style

INvitational.  This weeks was to think of a Tom Swiftie for the 90s.
Remember, this takes place in Washington, D.C.

5th runner up:
     "Well _that_ was a great season," Richie Petitbon declared pointlessly.
3rd runner up:
     "We take stealing very seriously," said Saddam Hussein offhandedly.
2nd runner up:
     "And then there was the fact that my front line ..." Mark Rypien
explained incompletely.
1st runner up:
    "Well, at least she didn't cut everything off," John Bobbitt said Testily.
Winner:
    "We didn't inhale," Bill and Hillary declared Jointly.

================================================================
Honorable mentions:
"It could have been worse," Lorena Bobbitt said bitingly.
"My life is not a fairy tale," said Princess Diana grimly.
"I am what I am," Madonna said, imprudently.
"I must be more careful," John Bobbitt said, circumspectly.
"It was a joke," Ted Danson said darkly.
"We'd better turn back, Admiral Columbus," said the first mate flatly.
"My that was tasty!" Jeff Dahmer said heartily.
"What's the big deal about winning the Invitational?" Rope Stack said,
unwittingly. (submitted by Rose Stack)
"I never done nothing to that girl," Joey Buttafuoco said, penetratingly.
=================================================================

=================================================================
From the 'how bad can it get' department:
   It seems that John Wayne Bobbitt now has a paternity suit pending against
him.  (from his pre surgery period)
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 08:21:23 CST
Reply-To:     Ed <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ed <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Are you a latent conservative?

      A R E   Y O U   A   L A T E N T   C O N S E R V A T I V E ?


To find out, give yourself five point for each "yes" answer you give to
the questions below:

1. Have you listened to Rush Limbaugh at least once this week, just to
hear what the other side is claiming?

2. Have you ever understood anything William F. Buckley has ever said?

3. Have you ever noticed that Lucial Ball (of "I Love Lucy" fame) had
sounder logic that eith Donna Shalala or Joycelyn Elders?

4. Have you not worried about this spotted owl or the snail darter this
week?

5. Have you ever wondered whether there might be other serious illnesess
besides AIDS?

6. In light of congresses ability to balance the budget, simplify your
income tax forms, and maintain Washington D.C. as a safe and exemplory
city,  have you had any reservations about Clinton's new health package?

Now, give yourself five bonus points each if you miss Nixon's integrity or
Carter's leaderhsip qualities.

Next, subtract five points when you agree with each of the following state-
ments:

7. I like liberals because they're so much better at womanizing that are
people like Senator Packwood.

8. Everyone knows liberals have all the good music, and they're sharper
dressers, too.

9. So what if all these federal programs violate the Tenth Amendament
(that guarantees the freedom from opressive government)?  I mean, the Bill of
Rights is pretty much passe anyway, right?

10. I just love Bill and Teddy's hair.

Now, add up your score and see how you rate:

SCORES     MEANING

30 to 40      You are a flaming conservative, and probably have a photo of
              Berry Goldwater on your wall.

20 to 30      You are a closet conservative, and are still in mourning for
              having voted for Carter (if you still remember who he was).

10 to 20      You are a latent conservative. You are highly volatile and may
              vote for a Republican at any time.

-20 to -10    You are hopelessly liberal.

-10 to 10     You are liberal, but not hopelessly.

over 40 or under -20  You are a graduate of the new math.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 09:53:10 -0400
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Misc Quotes   (clean,non-offensive)

1. Pressure is playing for $50 a hole with only $5 in your pocket.
--- Lee Trevino

2. A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.
--- Farmers Almanac

3. If you think OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.

4. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
--- Wilcox's Law

5. All kookies are not in a jar.

6. I never give them hell.  I just tell the truth and they think it's hell.
--- Harry Truman

7. Legend --- a lie that has attained the dignity of age.
--- H. L. Mencken

8. Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your children.

9. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
--- Horner's Five-Thump Postulate

10. Wet manure is slippery.
--- OSHA discovery


Excerpted from  Quotes, Damned Quotes and ... by John Bibby

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
translate into their own language and forthwith it is something
entirely different. (Goethe)

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9
times out of ten it will. (Paul Harvey News, 1979)

``Give us a copper Guv'' said the beggar to the Treasury
statistician, when he waylaid him in Parliament square. ``I
haven't eaten for three days.'' ``Ah,'' said the statistician, ``and
how does that compare with the same period last year?'' (Russell Lewis)

``I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of
Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call
for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want
is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than
when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political
statistic.'' (Winston Churchill)

Ted Kennette     [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 09:09:33 PST
Reply-To:     Terry Ann Rohe <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Terry Ann Rohe <[e-mail]>
Subject:      religion

    A minister had three sons.  Two were model young men who were
studying for the ministry themselves, came home to dinner every
night, never stayed up past 10:00 p.m., and rose at dawn with
eagerness for each new day.  The third and youngest son was a slacker
who sometimes didn't call when he wasn't coming home, stayed out late
drinking in taverns, and would have slept in every morning if he
could.
    One morning the eldest son came downstairs in the morning,
discovered his father standing in front of the fireplace warming his
backside, and announced to his parents that he had dreamed he was in
heaven.  They asked what it was like and he said, "Actually it was
very much like our home," and joined his father in front of the
hearth.  The second son came downstairs and announced that he had
dreamed he was in heaven.  His parents asked him what it was like and
he replied," Why, it was very much like this," and he too joined his
father in front of the cosy hearth.
    The third son came downstairs and said, "I just had a dream that I
was in hell!"  When his parents, shocked, asked him what it was like
he replied," Well, it was just like it is here!  You couldn't see the
fire for the parsons!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 09:52:00 PST
Reply-To:     "GREG MENDIZABAL, IAR, 415-855-5407" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "GREG MENDIZABAL, IAR, 415-855-5407" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Job

Date sent:  25-JAN-1994 09:40:14

This joke may be offensive to women or those that use marital aids and
possibly racist????


A guy graduates from college and can't seem to find a job in his field so
he ends up getting a job at a dirty books store.  Soon after starting,
his boss has to leave to run some errands and tells him:

"All you need to know is that the white dildos are $25 and the black
dildos are $50"

"Ok, no sweat" says the new employee.

A few minutes later, a women enters and says "I need a dildo"
"The white ones are $25 and the black ones are $50" says the guy.
"Well, I'm a little short of cash, give me a white one"

A little while later, another women enters and asks the famous question:
"Do you have any dildos"
"Yes, the white ones are $25 and the black ones are $50" says our hero.
"Give me a black one" she replies.

This goes on all day long.  Finally a women dressed in an expensive
business suit enters and asks "Do you have any dildos"
"Yes, white ones are $25 and the black ones are $50"
"Well, what about the plaid one?"
Thinking fast our hero replies "Uhhhh, $200!"
"I'll take it" and off she goes with her new purchase.

A little while later, the boss comes back and asks "How was business?"
"Well, I sold 15 white dildos for $25 each, 10 black dildos for $50 each...
oh, and I sold your thermos for $200!!!!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 12:04:47 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Carol Ralston <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Arkansas
Subject:      Unsubscribe

Please unsubrcribe me to this list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 13:26:34 EST
Reply-To:     "Julie R. Holliday" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Julie R. Holliday" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      subscription restriction

Is there any way a reduce the number of humor mailings I receive daily?  I
don't necessarily want to unsubscribe, but I definitely want to reduce the
number I receive.  Please send me info. on how to do this or just unsubscribe
if it isn't possible.  Thanks,
                      Julie
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 10:29:01 PST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  3.F     A collection of clean humor gathered on: 22 Sep 88

----------------------------------------------------

                GURKHAS - THE MARTIAL RACE

Now that an accord has been signed between the GNLF of
Subhash ( not the go back to India one :-)) Ghising and the
Government of India, it might be appropriate to recollect
an interesting anecdote regarding these doughty warriors.

In World war II, an English reporter who had heard so much
about the bravery and elan of the Gurkhas visited a camp just
in front of the enemy lines (Germans).  During the course of
his reporting, he had occasion to observe a mission being
conducted.  The mission was to airdrop a bunch of soldiers behind
enemy lines to conduct some relatively light action.  He watched
the commander of the Gurkhas (a British soldier) pitch
the mission and then ask for volunteers.  To his surprise,
only about half the Gurkhas volunteered and were sent off.
Throughly disillusioned with the legends of Gurkha bravery,
the reporter went back home.  After the war, he happened to
run into a Gurkha who had been there, and asked him why
half the troops had failed to volunteer.  It turned
out that none of the squad, both those who volunteered and those
who did not, were aware that they would get a parachute for the drop.
Hence the low turnout.

----------------------------------------------------

( You read it here first, folks.   10 years from now, when this
story resurfaces on bboard, or appears in a _Bloom County_
episode (as happened with the Falklands penguins and the RAF),
you'll be able to say, ``I was near there.'' )

        I have to share this with you.  I swear to you that this story
is true.  It was perpetrated by a friend of a friend of a friend, said
friend having relayed the story to me via email the other day.

        SCENE: The San Diego Zoo, way at the back on Hoof and Horn Mesa,
where they have all the huge enclosures for things like African Goats.
The exact scene, in fact, is the African Goat enclosure, which goes over
the top of the canyon and part way down the other side.  In fact the goats,
at the moment, are all over the top and out of sight.  The only four beings
in sight are Our Hero, a very cruel man, who is looking absentmindedly at
A Rabbit, which is munching unconcernedly toward the front of the enclosure,
and A Grandmother, just arriving with her Grandson.

        The grandmother comes up to the rail and looks into the enclosure,
patently ignoring the sign that says "African Goats".

        Grandmother: "Oh, Jimmy, look at the cute little bunny!"

        Man: (inspired, sidles up to Grandmother): "Lady, that's no
'cute little bunny'!  That thing is the infamous Scottish Killer Rabbit!"

        Grandmother: "What?"

        Man: "You bet.  It's very rare.  There are only three of those
things in captivity: this one, the one in St. Louis, and the one in London."

        Grandmother: (eating it all up ) "You don't say!"

        Man: (warming to his subject) "Absolutely.  Up until about twenty
years ago it was supposed to be mythical.  People disappeared on the moors
all the time, of course, but none were ever captured.  They sent
expedition after expedition out to catch one, but either no one came back,
or one zoologist out of four would return.  Those things are deadly!"

        Grandmother: (looking aghast at the 'cute little bunny') "Oh, DEAR!"

        Now, the fellow thought maybe he'd taken this as far as it could
go.  If he spun it out any more, even this innocent little old lady would
tumble to the truth.  But then something happened which was enough to make
one believe that there is indeed a Higher Power which takes a hand in
mortal affairs: the herd of African Goats came over the top of the hill.

        Man: (inspired)  "Oh, look!  It's feeding time!"

        The grandmother grabbed her grandson and fled before the carnage
could begin.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 10:55:24 -0800
Reply-To:     "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      geeky math/science jokes

A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were stranded on a desert island.
Eventually their food supply dwindled to a single can of beans which they
could not open.

The engineer proposed that he could calculate the exact trajectory necessary
to slam the can into a sharp rock without spilling a bean.

The chemist said that this was too risky and that she could set the can in the
sun to get the gasses to expand so that it would gently pop open.

The mathematician said, "No, no.  You're both trying too hard.  I have the
easiest answer:  assume a can opener!"

_____________________________________________________________________________

A mathematician was asleep in his room at a hotel when suddenly the fire alarm
went off.  He walked into the hall where he spotted a fire extinguisher and
said, "Aha!  A solution exists," and happily went back to bed.

______________________________________________________________________________
A statistician, a mathematician and an accountant were all asked the question,
"What is the sum of 2 and 2?"

The statistician replied, "3.98 +/- 0.03 at the 98% confidence limit."

The mathematician replied, "4".

The account closed the door, shut the curtains and said, "Tell me, what do you
*want* it to be?"
______________________________________________________________________________

When Albert Einstein's Theory of Relativity became universally accepted, but
before he was internationally famous, he was invited to give many lectures on
the topic.  One day he came down with a case of laryngitis and was afraid that
he would have to cancel a lecture.  "No problem," his driver told him, "I've
heard your lecture so many times I can repeat it word for word."

As Einstein watched from the back of the room, the driver delivered the speech
flawlessly but afterwards was confronted with a question.  Without missing a
beat the driver replied, "That is *the* most stupid and elementary question
I've ever been asked.  I bet even my chauffeur can answer it......."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 11:16:14 -0800
Reply-To:     "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more loony sex laws

It seems that some of the excerpts sent to the net have, if not offended
some people, at least have inspired them to send me notes setting the
record straight regarding current practices and customs.  Please don't get
me wrong.  It is not my intend to offend any particular country or religion.
These exerpts merely point to the fact that not everything we humans have
come up with as ways to govern our society and set our moral values make
a lot of sense.  These exerpts are real examples of court decisions and
laws.  Whether they are actually enforced or used anymore is of no relevance.

Having got that off my chest, here are a couple of examples of sex laws that
appeared throughout history.
1.  Renaissance paintings show the Maddonna and other women with bare breast.
But artists were prhibited from painting women with their toes or bare feet
showing.  Laws throughout Europe banned bare feet in art because feet were said to be stimulating. They were seen as a "source of erotic desire, suggestive and
even sinful."

2.  Prostitution under Charlemagne's rule was treated severly.  All prostitutes
were given the death sentence.  A man caught in bed with one could go free.

3.  Many native american warriors had few reservations about engaging in sodomy.In the early 1880's, tribal law of the Nez Perce made it acceptable for a
warrior to kill a man and have sex with the corpse.

4.  In colonial New England it was deemed illegal for citizens to partake of
love mak8ing on the Sabbath.  Any child born on the Sabbath was refused baptism.Why? Becasue the authoritues believed that a child  was always born on the same day of the week he or she had been conceived, and Sunday love making was
strictly forbidden.

5.  Finally, in Tibet many years ago, the law required all women to prostitute
themselves.  This was seen as a way to gain sexual experience prior to marriage.Apparently in those days, no Tibetan male wanted to marry a virgin.  They
preferred someone who was already a seasoned lover.  (It seems the tibetans
has their 1960's sexual revolution well before the North Americans)

Ciao fer now

mike
**What I want are rigidly defined boundaries of doubt and uncertainty**
HGTTG
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 12:23:08 -0700
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Offensive to Old Folks, possibly

        There was once an 87-year-old ex-swinger who entered the old folks
home. She soon found the men's wing and, standing at the door, took off all
her clothes and knocked.
        When the door was answered by an elderly gentleman, she shouted
"SUPERSEX." The startled edlerly gentleman hastily closed the door and
disappeared.
        Again she knocked on the door, and a second elderly gentleman was
startled by her loud shout "SUPERSEX" and he also closed the door and
disappeared.
        A third time she knocked on the door, and, when a third elderly
gentleman opened the door and she again shouted "SUPERSEX," he replied "I
think I'll have the soup."
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 14:57:00 EST
Reply-To:     "SWARTZ.RODNEY" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "SWARTZ.RODNEY" <[e-mail]>

Farmer Joe wished to breed his three prize-winning sows.  Farmer John down the
road had a prize winning boar, so Joe put his three sows in the back of his
pickup and headed down to John's.  Joe asked John "How will I know if this
works?" John said "Tomorrow, if the pigs lay in the mud, they're not pregnant,
if they lay in the grass, they are."  The next morning Joe went out to find
his pigs laying in the mud, so he threw them in the back of the pickup and
headed down the road again.  The next morning he went out and again, the sows
were in the mud, so off they went to John's again.  The next morning, Joe had
business in town, and headed off forgetting to check on the sows.  When he got
to town, he quickly phoned his wife and asked her if the pigs were in the
grass or in the mud.  "Neither", she said.  "Two of them are in the back of
the truck and the other's in the front seat blowing the horn".


End of joke.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 15:07:00 EST
Reply-To:     "SWARTZ.RODNEY" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "SWARTZ.RODNEY" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      May be offensive to thermometers

A doctor has just finished examining a patient is his office, and is about to
write a prescription.  He reaches into his lab coat pocket to get his pen, and
to his surprise, he extracts his rectal thermometer.  Annoyed, he hollers,
"Damn, Some asshole got my pen!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 15:33:58 EST
Reply-To:     Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Advanced User's Guide to Nettiquette.

Q: Please unsubscribe me from this list!!!

A: Please get a clue!!!


Q: Should I post such requests to the list or to the owner?

A: Well, some net-gurus would "hurrumph" and tell you to contact the
   owner of course, but since you didn't have time to figure out what
   a LISTSERV address is, you probably won't know the owner's address
   either.

   Solution:  Go ahead.  Bother everyone.  They'll like it.  After all,
   you're probably the only one who ever asked for that kind of assistance
   in the past five... hours.

   Solution for the rest:  Go ahead.  Reply.  They'll like it.  After all,
   they're probably only asking because they don't get enough mail.  Fill
   their mailbox.  They'll love you!


Q: What's a LISTSERV?

A: It doesn't matter!  Besides the fact that God only knows how you
   subscribed to this list in the first place without knowing what one
   was (unless uncle Waldo decided to hack your email system for you
   and thought you'd like it, or you started through Zen and the Internet
   and suddenly couldn't finish the book because you realized you were
   a Christian...) a LISTSERV couldn't possibly be an automated machine
   that mails your letters to everyone on the mailing list?  No... no,
   no, no, ... because *that* would mean that the funny little line at
   the top of the mail (called the header) would give you a hint where
   the listserv was!!!  (Hmmm, UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>,
   nah, that couldn't mean the listserv was at [e-mail],
   because if that was the case, then I could enter a note to:

    > To:      [e-mail]
    > Subject:
    >
    > UNSUBSCRIBE HUMOR

   (and if uncle Waldo was in a funny mood:)

    > UNSUBSCRIBE SEXUAL
    > UNSUBSCRIBE DESTITUTE-L
    > UNSUB 45IQ-L                 (watch out campers!!! sneaky abbr.!!!)

   and then you'd be all happy!

   But no!  You don't need to do that, because our particular listowner
   (Hi Bill!) has absolutely nothing better to do with his time than
   cancel your subscription.

   (In fact, it's all a bloody lie, there is no LISTSERV.  Just another
   evil joke by us netpranksters... in fact, Bill stays up all night
   just mailing those notes to your address!!!  How he ignores the cries
   of the weak?  Alas...

_______________________________________________________________________________

 "What's it like to be a jealous God?"
                                    _ __ ___ ____ _____ ______ _______ ________
  - ??? the creator of "Despair"
    the hit Mac Shareware game!!!   Internet :  [e-mail]
_______________________________________________________________________________
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 16:21:09 EDT
Reply-To:     Jonathan Vincent Ngo <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jonathan Vincent Ngo <[e-mail]>
Organization: Faculty of Engineering, U.W.O.
Subject:      ASCII picture, dinosaur, Bobbit

Here's something Ha Ha, Very Serious.


              ______
             /    O \___
            |          o\
            |       vvvvv  < "We have nothing to fear but
             \      ^^^^/         Lorena Bobbit." >
             /     \~~~~
            |       >---<
           /   ___   \
          |       \   |
          |   |    |_ /
      ___/   /|   <__
     <______/ /______>          (c) 1994 Scott E. Burtton



/*************************************************************************
 * name:   Jonathan Vincent Ngo       |   EE II & Comp. Sci. I           *
 * email:  [e-mail]   |   University of Western Ontario  *
 * "voxmail":  [phone]         |   London, Ontario, Canada        *
 *------------------------------------+----------------------------------*
 * snail mail: 125-1500 Richmond St.N., London, Ontario, Canada, N6G 4T9 *
 *************************************************************************/
---
  * JVN TagMe v1.14c * (c) 1994, all rights reserved.
                              "I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?"
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 13:36:14 -0800
Reply-To:     Larry Richards <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Larry Richards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Clean - May offend a Dean or two

How many deans does it take to change a light bulb?






Two - One to convince the rest of the faculty that everything is alright and
the other to screw it into a faucet.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 16:49:43 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      3 kiddie jokes

Q.  Where does Napolean keep his little armies?
A.  In his little sleevies!


Q.  Why don't sea gulls fly by the bay?
A.  Cuz then you'd have to call them bagels!


Q.  What has four legs and an arm?
A.  A happy pit-bull!
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 16:06:04 -0500
Reply-To:     "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
              CA" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Sex joke

To understand the following, the non-medically inclined need to know
that Vaseline, while good for chapped lips, and an _excellent_
lubricant, is also recommended for minor cuts and scrapes. And now,
on with the joke.....

Father and mother were sitting in the living room watching TV with
their daughter on a cold Winter night. The fire was burning low, and
alas the coal scuttle was empty (Joke is set in Yorkshire, in the
primitive days when coal was most commonly used for heating in
England, ie. January 1994 :)). Alas, someone would have to venture
outside into the wind and snow to get more coal. Being the self-less,
generous family they were, a furious argument errupted about whose
turn it was to fetch coal. No amount of cadjoling or threatening
could induce any of them to leave the house, and at last they
agreed only that the next person to speak or move would have to get
the coal.

Grimly, they all sat silently watching the TV.

A few hours later, our hero arrived to meet his girlfriend - the
daughter. Puzzled by the sounds of the TV, but the absence of an
answer to his knock, he entered the house and found the family fixed
in front of the screen. A somewhat one-sided conversation ensued,
but our hero nevertheless generously leant over and kissed his
girlfriend. No response... A little cuddle. No response... A little
fondle. No response... One thing lead to another, and he was soon
making love to the young lady [must have been a reclining armchair]
in the living room with her parents still maintaining the cold
treatment, and no more than perhaps a twinkle in her own eyes.

By now somewhat irritated, our hero approached the mother - who had
always been a bit of a "looker", determined to elicit some response.
Once again however, no answer to either kisses, nor cuddles, nor
fondles, nor ...  At least the evening wasn't a total loss.

All this fucking and fondling left our hero with a bit of an appetite,
so he wandered off to the kitchen to fix a snack. As luck would have
it, however, as he was slicing himself some cheese the knife slipped
and he got a deep cut on the thumb. Immediately he ran into the
living room and called anxiously to the family "Quick! Where's the
Vaseline?"

At last he got some response, as the father sprang out of his chair
and exclaimed "Jesus Christ no! _I'll_ get the bloody coal!"

Jeff F.         "He's dead, Commander." "Excellent! He underestimated
                the power of organocrystallography."
                [The Terror of Kronax (?). Dr.Who on PBS this weekend in
                San Jose/S.F.]
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 16:13:43 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Melanie Craig <[e-mail]>
Subject:      In Search of Questions

Hi!  I am a new subscriber to Humor, and I already need your help.  A
friend of mine is having a Valentine's Day party at which they are
going to play the "NOT-SO-NEWLYWED GAME".  This is a spin-off of the
old game show that was on television for many years.  Can anyone think
of some questions (comical, of course) that could be asked of the
"contestants? "  All suggestions will be much appreciated!  :-)

Thanks a lot!

[e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 16:36:02 CST
Reply-To:     Victor McCoy <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Victor McCoy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Religious Joke

++++++++++++++++++++++++
Religious Joke, beware.  (I'm a Christian, I'm not offended)
++++++++++++++++++++++++


There was a Rabbi, a Catholic Priest, and a Baptist Preacher walking on
the beach when they see a bag wash to shore.

They open it and find it's a bag full of money.  Well the Rabbi says,
"This is a blessing from God.  Here let's draw a circle in the sand, throw
the money up in the air.  Whatever falls out of the circle we give back
to God."

The Catholic Priest says, "I have a better idea.  Let's throw the money
up in the air.  Whatever falls in the circle we give back to God."

The Baptist Preacher says, "I have an even better idea.  Let's throw the money
up in the air.  Whatever God wants, He keeps."

*************************************************************************
* Victor J. McCoy       internet address: [e-mail]  *
*                                         (134.164.156.14)              *
*************************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 18:00:37 EST
Reply-To:     _Hok_L_Joeng <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         _Hok_L_Joeng <[e-mail]>
Subject:      MOre bobbit

I saw this today in front of a hardware store:
        Get your Ice Salts today
        Don't be cut short
        (like John Wayne Bobbit)

*It's going to snow again in NYC again.
-----------------------------------------------------------
quick note: In regard to PC by Sim webster:
special scholarship and asian is an oxymoron.
Remember this is only a note-No flame from the non-sensitive or the
senives, please.
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 18:10:19 CST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         SPEED THE MAN - AMIT <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Anecdote : The Priest  {offensive to some catholics}

I had joined this list only a while back and do not know if this had
ever been posted.  I came across it at work one day and shared it with
friends in the GIGGLES list.  Forgive me if it has already been seen.


                     The Priest

The new priest was so nervous during his first mass that he could
hardly speak.  Before his second appearance, he asked the Monsignor
how he could relax.

The Monsignor said, "next Sunday, put some vodka in the water pitcher
and after a few sips, everything should go smoothly."

Next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice, and he
was able to talk up a storm.  He felt just Great!!

However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the
Monsignor.

 1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
 3. There are 12 apostles, not 10.
 4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
 5. The recommended grace before meals is not
     "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, God."
 6. David slew Goliath, he did not "kick the shit out of him."
 7. We do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ, and his disciples as
     "J.C. and the Boys."
 8. The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as
     "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
 9. It is always "The Virgin Mary", never "Mary with a cherry."
10. And last but not least, there is a taffy pulling contest at
     St.Peter's and not a peter pulling contest as St.Taffy's.

The moral of the story is : If you want to drink, be ready to be
f&*%$@.

******************************
Amit Singhal
W.T.Box 2237
Canyon, TX 79016
[phone]
[e-mail]
******************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 18:22:03 CST
Reply-To:     Paul Duke <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Paul Duke <[e-mail]>
Subject:      offensive to women, English, Chinese, religion,
              you name it! but good!!

  offensive to women
================================
the male bashing woman says "All mens brains are in their dicks!"
males responds "a good thing, too, or some women would NEVER have
                any brains in their head."

which doesn't fit?  WIFE  MEAT  BLOWJOB  EGGS
  blowjob, you can beat your wife, you can beat your meat, you can
  beat eggs, but nothing beats a blowjob!

sometimes i wake up grouchy, other times I just let her sleep

 offensive to nerdy computer type geekoids
===========================================================
any good programmer knows that God is real,unless declared as an integer

Q:  Why do computer scientists make such lousy lovers?
A:  Cause they always want to do the job faster than before.  And
    when they do, they say the performance has improved.

 if you've read this far and you get offended, screw it!
===========================================================
did you hear about the guy who got his left side blown off??
  he is ALRIGHT now!

what do you call a Phillipino contortionist?
    a Manila folder.

  what is the Chinese term for constipated?
     Hung Chow

bumper sticker: JESUS LOVES YOU...Everbody else thinks your an asshole
    (my personal favorite :)

 Why does Prince Charles have a multi-colored dick?
   Because he keeps sticking it in Di  (whups! thats dated!! :)

***************
   The Joker (hey, I can now, Ceasar Romero is dead)
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 24 Jan 1994 19:15:00 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Meretta J. Marks" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Joke (a bit suggestive)

Q:  What do you call a mushroom with a 12-inch stem?

A:  A fungi to be with!

       (fun guy)

********************************************************************
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 01:36:41 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nic van der Vyver <[e-mail]>
Subject:      latin sex (no offence)

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From: Nico van der Vyver
Subject: latin sex (no offence)

We heard a few weeks ago, I recall, that while many years ago Caesar
said, "Veni, vidi, vici", wives (and myself) would today prefer
"Veni, vidi, visa" (= I came, I saw, I did a little bit of shopping).

Well, only a few years ago when I was at 'Varsity', I had a mate who
imagined himself quite the stud among the female fraternity.  His call
card read : "Vidi, vici, veni!"

______________________________________________________________________

Enjoy

______________________________________________________________________

(I ran out of sick days, so I called in dead)

______________________________________________________________________



n
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 08:38:30 +0100
Reply-To:     Juraj Panko <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Juraj Panko <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: removal from HUMOR
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]> from "Automatic digest
              processor" at Jan 25, 94 01:25:11 am

Date:    Mon, 24 Jan 1994 08:59:00 -0500From:    "BARBARA J. BASS, ENGLISH
DEPT." <[e-mail]>
Subject: removal from humor network
I thought it would be fun to get lots of messages, but I find most of
the material that comes through the humor network to be either offensive
or stupid.Please remove my name from the list, or send me information on
how to remove myself.

1. send Your mail to listowner: [e-mail]
   but it isn't very correct - You Give more work to this man
2. find Your old letter with Your offer of subscription to list HUMOR
   find your NICKNAME ( IT's name after word SUBscribe )
   and send E-mail to [e-mail]
   with one line:

   SIGNOFF XXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX
           ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
            yuor NICKNAME

You can get help by same way - send E-mail to listserv@uga with one word:

help


P.S.    Excuse my horrible "plain" english - i learn this from computer screens
        and manuals :-(

Thank you.
*******************
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 06:31:00 EDT
Reply-To:     "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Tom Ohlendorf - TSU Admin. DP,
              [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      May be offensive to Clintonites

This guy walks into a bar, sits on a stool, and proceeds to get snockered.
After a while, he yells, "BIll Clinton is a horse's ass!!!". The man next to
him stands up and slugs him to the floor and stomps out of the bar. After a few
moments, the guy gets up, shakes it off, and returns to his stool and drinking.
After a few moments, he yells, "Al Gore is a horse's ass!!!". The man on the
other side gets up, slugs him to the floor, and stomps out. After a few
moments, the guy gets up, shakes it off, and returns to his stool and drinking.
After a few moments, he yells, "Hillary Clinton is a horse's ass!!!". The woman
two stools away gets up, slugs him to the floor, and stomps out. After a few
moments, the guy gets up, shakes it off, and returns to his stool. He then says
to the bartender, "Gee, this must be Clinton country." The bartender replies,
"No, horse country!".
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 13:01:10 GMT
Reply-To:     Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Adam BJ Quantrill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: May be offensive to thermometers <rude words>

This gives me an idea for a whole series (to be told at intervals
during the evening). I'm posting this in the great tradition of the
HUMOUR list to repeat a joke three times in quick succession:



A gynacologist has just finished examining a patient is his office, and
is about to write a prescription.  He reaches into his lab coat pocket
to get his pen, and to his surprise, he extracts a vaginal smear
spatula.  Annoyed, he hollers, "Damn, Some cunt's got my pen!"




A dick doctor has just finished examining a patient is his office, and
is about to write a prescription.  He reaches into his lab coat pocket
to get his pen, and to his surprise, he extracts his 'umbrella'.
Annoyed, he hollers, "Damn, Some dickhead's got my pen!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 07:59:46 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sim Webster <[e-mail]>
Subject:      PC LEXICON -- Part 1 of 3 <political>

PC LEXICON by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw (two self-described Clinton-
Democrats; so this is humor, not some nuts venting their anger because they're
losers).

"Insensitive Term"                         "Preferred Term"

- - - ETHNICITY <-(PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid)

Black                           -   African-American
                                    (NOTE:  DOES NOT INCLUDE
                                       LIBYANS, EGYPTIONS, WHITE

S-AFRICANS                     -    DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN
                                       REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR
                                       WHERE THEY LIVE.

Oriental                        -   Asian-American
                                    (NOTE:  NOT CONSIDERED "REAL"
                                       MINORITIES SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL).

Indian                          -   Native-American
                                       Indiginous Peoples of N American
                                    (NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
                                       Atlanta Braves
                                       Cleveland Indians
                                       Kansas City Chiefs
                                       Washington Redskins
                                     AVOID THESE CITIES!!!
                                     And never buy tickets from a "scalper"!)

Chicano                         -   Hispanic
                                    (NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC:
                                       Cheech and Chong
                                       Chico and the Man episodes
                                       Cisco Kid
                                       Rosarita Salsa
                                       Speedy Gonzales
                                     BOYCOTT THEM!!)

White Trash                     -   PC Unaware
                                    Rustically Inclined

WASP (white male)               -   Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

- - -  GENDER  <- PC'ers don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing
connotations)

Woman                           -   Womyn, Vaginal-American

Girl                            -   Pre-Womyn

Housewife                       -   Domestic Engineer

Fireman                         -   Firefighter

Stewardess                      -   Flight Attendant

Meter Maid                      -   Parking Enforcement Aduciator

Post Man                        -   Post Person

Mail Man                        -   Person Person

Policeman (cop, pig)            -   Law Enforcement Officer
                                    Baton Boy
                                    Cal Clubber

Prostitute                      -   Sex Surrogate
                                    (Teen Victim.  See:  Broken Home)

MANkind, HuMAN, PerSON          -   Earth Children


- - -------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 1992 - FRIEDMAN/HALADYNA - All Rights Reserved
- - -------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 15:17:04 +0300
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Mo Mirzaa <[e-mail]>
Subject:      The Iraqi, the Jew, and the German (May be offensive to Jews)

Now, it is said that Iraqis like to do (Fu..) boys, while Germans like
to drink beer, and Jew LOVE diamond. So an Iraqi, a German, and a Jew
died and were sentenced (up there) to go to hell. However, they were
told that they will be given a last chance and go to Heaven if each
one of them pass a "WILL TEST" in which the German will avoid touching
beer, the Jew will not touch diamond, and the Iraqi will not touch boys
for ONE complete day. They agreed and off they went (in Heaven). While
they were walking they passed by a bar with the sounds of people inside
enjoying themselves. The German could not resist the temptation and the
instant he walked inside, he disappeared (to Hell, of course) in spite
of the warnings of the other two against that. After a while, the Jew
saw a piece of diamond on the ground, the Iraqi tried to warn him. But
he bent down to look at it. The Iraqi disappeared !
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 17:00:00 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Kenneth Salstrom <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Clean - May offend a Dean or two

          How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?




          None.  That's a hardware problem.

+------------------------------------+------------------------------------+
| Kenneth Salstrom                   | HIS Dept                           |
| [e-mail] | New York University Medical Center |
+------------------------------------+------------------------------------+
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 14:49:00 GMT+0200
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]

how do i unsubscribe to this??
katy o
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 08:33:33 CST
Reply-To:     Ed <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ed <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Trial details

The press didn't mention one interesting part of the Bobbitt trial--when she
threw his penis from her car, it hit the windshield of an oncoming car before
landing in the field.  The conversation in the other car went something like
this:

WIFE:     What was that, Dear?

HUSBAND:  It was just a bug.

WIFE:     Yes, but did you see the dick on it?
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 09:38:58 -0600
Reply-To:     NAME <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         NAME <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Religious - PG

The congregation of a certain Presbyterian church took pride in their
pastor's brief, to the point sermons.  For years he preached for exactly
15 minutes, briefly prayed, then launched into the final hymn.  One
Sunday, however, he preached for 45 minutes.  He suddenly stopped,
reddened a bit, bowed his head and gave the final prayer.  When he got
home, his wife lit into him.  She asked, "What on earth happened this
morning?"  Chagrin all over his face, the preacher explained, "I usually
put a cough drop under my tongue just before I begin to speak.  When it
has dissolved, I know it is time to stop.  This morning, I discovered too
late that I put my collar button under my tongue."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 10:49:45 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Frank White <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ethnic & Other

As a newcomer to this list is I am never sure whether these jokes
have been told before. My apologies if they have. The 2nd and 3rd
jokes may be mildly offensive to Japanese Americans.
===================================================================
What three words do married women hate to hear when they're making
love?

<PgDn>










"Honey, I'm home!"

======================================================================

A Japanese American gentleman visits the eye doctor. During the
examination the doctor asks: "Have you had this catarac very long?"

The Japanese man replies, "I never have Catarac. I always drive Rincoln
Continental."

======================================================================
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.


What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the
other?

<PgDn>









Irene.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 11:44:00 EST
Reply-To:     "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Musat, Bob" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      'what do you call a...'  jokes.  [offensive to quadrapalegics,
              et. al.]

well, since i haven't posted anything, yet, today (have i?) i'll respond to
this one, but only because i made up a "new" one, on monday.

>What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
>Eileen.
>What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the
>other?
>Irene.

ok, and the list goes on with the oldies:

quadrapalegic laying on your doorstep?  -  matt
quadrapalegic in the ocean?  -  bob
quadrapalegic hanging on your wall?  -  art
small quadrapalegic stuffed in an envelope who arrives at the end of the
month?  -  bill

now for the one i invented monday:

quadrapalegic in a gay bathhouse?  -  phil

also, i thought up a REALLY good joke, monday night, after i was already in
bed, and just as i was beginning to drift into the arms of morpheus, but I
CAN'T REMEMBER IT, NOW!  shazbot!  >:(

be seeing you,

bob
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 11:49:48 -0500
Reply-To:     "John P. Mechalas" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "John P. Mechalas" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      A little floral fun (Story: PG)

(From the summer of '93)

Since I left for home this summer, I have found myself being even more
bored than usual.  Why?  I dunno...mostly because there's not a lot to
do at home, and losing access to the net always hurts a little bit...and
I certainly don't have the money to rack up several long-distance phone
bills.  :)
   So the end result was that I found myself sitting around one morning
with little to do, and in desperate need of some excitement...relatively
speaking of course.  And as I was staring at the house across the street
from ours, the idea hit me.

   I went up to the local garden center and headed straight for the
flower seeds.  After a couple of minutes of debating, I decided on
Petunias, since they are easy to care for and are pretty inexpensive.
And since they come in several bright colors, there would be an added bit
of "pizazz" when I was finished.
   I then hurried home with my prize, and began to formulate my plan.  The
target for this particular venture was a small home just down the street
from us, whose occupants were preparing to leave for a vacation that would
have them absent for about two weeks.  Their yard had always been on the
bland side, so the idea was perfect, and I couldn't have done better on
the timing.
   Two days later, on Friday, I saw them leave their home for parts
unknown, and later that evening, I went into action.  Working quickly,
and after dark, I proceeded to plant almost half of the package of
petunia seeds in various sections of the landscaping surrounding their
house.  For the next two weeks, I fertalized and watered the flowers,
at night and under the cover of darkenss, in an attempt to get them to
grow as quickly as possible.
   Of course, there was no way they would come up in two weeks time, but
that wasn't my original goal, anyway.  These people seemed to ignore
their landscaping as a general rule (except for cutting the grass), so
when the flowers started to poke through the ground after they returned
home, they didn't seem to mind or notice.  A couple of weeks later, however,
buds began to form, and within a matter of days, their entire home was
sprouting petunias en masse.

   I'll never forget how puzzled the owners looked, as they wandered out
each day, only to find more petunias blooming in their gardens in a
seemingly relentless assault.  Not all of my seeds lived and grew, but
there were enough to leave quite an impressive showing.  I'm sure they
figured out, eventually, that some third party was responsible for their
new found flora, but it was a lot of fun anyway, and it's also quite a
sight to see.

--
John Mechalas                                          "I'm not an actor, but
[e-mail]                                 I play one on TV."
Aero Engineering, Purdue University                     #include disclaimer.h
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 12:20:21 -0500
Reply-To:     "J. Grady Lacy" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "J. Grady Lacy" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Foreign Language "faux pas" (gaffes)

Sometimes as students are beginning to learn a foreign language they put
too much trust in bilingual dictionaries, or they just simply don't know
how to use them.  A colleague of mine who teaches Spanish tells of a
young lady who wrote: "Yo como mi profesora." on one homework exercise.
She was trying to express the idea: "I like my teacher."  She had looked
for the Spanish equivalent of the English verb "like", but had failed to
notice that "como" was the equivalent of the English preposition "like".
To make matters worse, there is a Spanish verb, "comer" which means "to
eat" and with "yo" in front of "como" it looks like "como" is a form of
this verb.  So the young lady had really written "I eat my teacher."!
Recently some of my students had to write a short paragraph in French
telling why they like their university.  Three of them said:  "J'aime mon
universite parce qu'elle est fermer a Florida."   Again, this shows bad
dictionary work.  They were trying to say "I like my university because
it is close to Florida."  "Fermer" is the verb "to close".  The
appropriate way to express "close to" (proximity) is "pres de".   In
essence, what they were saying is closer to "I like my university because
it is closed to Florida."  (Not true, Floridians are very welcome here.)

After talking about this with one of my Hispanic colleagues, he told me
about one of his friends who was learning English.  Someone came by his
friend's office, and his friend told the visiter "Between, between, and
drink a chair."  He was thinking "Entre, entre, y tome una silla."
"Entre" can be either the command form of "entrar" -- "come in" or the
preposition "entre" -- "between".  "tome" is the command form of the verb
"tomar" which can mean various things according to the context, among
them: drink, eat, or take.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 12:45:02 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Michael Greene <[e-mail]>
Subject:      license plates and occupational names

Given the license plate lists recently appearing I'd thought I'd add this one
I saw on a Honda Accord in the Santa Cruz mountains some years ago.

BSKRVL

My ex-wife wanted
STEGO
for our Ford Taurus.

On occupational names, my best friend's wife Ob-Gyn was named Butcher.  His
partner was named Repair. (True story!)
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 12:08:08 -0600
Reply-To:     Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Address, Junkmail, Earthquake (old earthquake,
              not the recent one.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm looking for ways to gracefully/creatively avoid giving my name
and address to a computer when paying cash at Radio Shack, Service
Merchandise and other stores which request it for their junk-mail
lists (which they sell to others, so you get a flood of the stuff).
They tell you they need the information to protect your warranty,
which is a lie.)  It's damned annoying, a bad precedent, and I don't
care to justify the existence of yuppie staticians. [`Gracefully'
means not saying "None of your #$%&*! business!"]  I've used the
following:

1.   "Floyd Collins, Nat'l Park Service, Mammoth Cave, Kentucky 42259.

2.   "It's bad enough having to sign for dynamite and machineguns;
     I'll be damned if I'll sign for _this_ stuff!"

3.   (Softly, making Obi-Wan Kenobi's hand-gesture):  "You don't need
     my name and address.  I can go about my business."

They have never refused my money!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
     I saw something on TV about a man in Colorado who came up with a solution
to the junk mail problem - he uses it to feed his stove.  He was shown sitting
down at his Apple II to update his list of mailing lists he's gotten himself
onto.  He gets junk mail by the garbage bag load, and was trying for more all
the time.  His heating bill was just about zip.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This from Herb Caen's column

The inhabitants of the Marina district are tired of the term
"Earthquakes Victims" and ask that they by referred to as
"People with earthquake."
Earthquake-Americans
"Motionally Disturbed"
Ameriquakians
Quakers
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Roy Ogus contributes this quote from an E-mail correspondent describing
what happened at work after the earthquake:

"There was no significant damage here.  We lost more time talking about it
than picking things up."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(But the amazing part is that LaPorte, Indiana is my wife's home town, and
the Herald-Argus is hardly the kind of newspaper to receive national
attention!) "Only an earthquake can save San Francisco now.  Nothing else has
stopped the Oakland Athletics."
        Headline in the Laporte (Ind.) Herald-Argus, a day before the
        California earthquake.
God must be a Cubs Fan!
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 13:11:22 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Selim Giray <[e-mail]>
Subject:      My favorite Helen Keller (Part two)

    Question: How did Helen Keller burn her other cheek?

  --Scroll down--









answer: She wanted to dial 9-1-1 !
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 12:59:22 EST
Reply-To:     "Dwayne Nyman, The Next Willy the Wildcat" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dwayne Nyman, The Next Willy the Wildcat" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dice joke--expl.lang. off to women
In-Reply-To:  In reply to your message of MON 24 JAN 1994 09:25:11 EST

Ok, people if you're offended to Andrew Dice Clay, delete this now.
Also, let this mailing set a precident for a flood of dice jokes...



From "The Day the Laughter Died" by andrew dice clay, circa 1990:


Hickory Dickory Doc,
Some bitch was sucking my c*ck.
The clock struck two,
I dropped my goo,
and dropped the bitch off at the next block. (crick, crick, exhale)

Best Wishes,

Dwayne Nyman ([e-mail])                *************
Northern   Michigan    University            "It is only dealing
Marquette, MI                                 honestly and fairly
  "On the Southern Shores                     in all things that
   of Magestic Lake Superior."                real success is
                                              attainable."
Wildcat Hockey--                                  --George H. Mead
  The Fastest Game on Ice...                     *************
  L E T ' S  G O  C A T S ! ! !
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 11:54:17 CST
Reply-To:     Bret Robideaux <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Bret Robideaux <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: PC LEXICON

|PC LEXICON by Saul Jerushalmy & Rens Zbignieuw (two self-described Clinton-
|Democrats; so this is humor, not some nuts venting their anger because they're
|losers).
|
|"Insensitive Term"                         "Preferred Term"
|
|
|White Trash                     -   PC Unaware
|                                    Rustically Inclined
|
|WASP (white male)               -   Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)


I am NOT "White", I am 'rhythmically and gravitationally challenged', and
I am highly offended by anyone who does not refer to me as such.

Bret
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 14:03:19 EST
Reply-To:     Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Well, guess who needs to get a clue?  (more nettiquette)

(Thanks to those who sent me letters!  But unfortunately, I must
post the following apology...)


Q: What if UNSUBSCRIBE didn't work?

A: You:

       a) beat yourself over the head

       b) beat your computer over the head

       c) realize that the people who tell you such things,
          all come from IBM internal mailing lists

       d) feel sympathy for those poor isolated souls

       e) join IBM

       f) use SIGNOFF instead

       g) realize that I need a clue

_______________________________________________________________________________

 "What's it like to be a jealous God?..."
                                    _ __ ___ ____ _____ ______ _______ ________
  - ??? from the hit Mac shareware
    game, 'Despair'!                Internet :  [e-mail]
_______________________________________________________________________________
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 08:39:24 MDT
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Caren Covington <[e-mail]>
Subject:      What's up?

Is something wrong with the list?  All I receive are search index requests from
other people.  Could someone (Bill?) let me know what's up?

Caren
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 14:42:49 EST
Reply-To:     Frank Moore <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Frank Moore <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Foreign Language "faux pas" (gaffes)

    To which I can add: I have a colleague who had a student explain
    the she was a "grand ventilateur du cinema" [a great fan of the
    movies]-the trouble being that ventilateur is that piece of
    machinery that keeps you cool in the summer!

    Frank Moore
    [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 13:37:17 -0600
Reply-To:     Beth Pollock <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Beth Pollock <[e-mail]>
Subject:      possibly offensive language

There was this yellow frog who wanted very badly to be green
like all of his friends.  One day he went to a wizard to try
and make this wish come true. The wizard said "No problem," and
tapped the frog on the head with his magic wand.
Sure enough the frog turned green...however there was one problem.
His penis remained yellow.  The frog said, "Thank you very much,
but do you think you can do anything about my penis?"  The
wizard replied, "I'm sorry, that is beyond my powers.  You will
have to take that up with my superior, just around the bend and
over those hills."  "Thanks!" said the frog and he hopped away.

A moment later a pink elephant came to the wizard, desiring to
be gray like all of his friends.  The wizard agreed to help the
elephant and then tapped him on the head with his magic wand.
Sure enough the elephant turned gray, however, his penis
remained pink.  "Can you fix this?" asked the elephant.
The wizard said, "Sorry, this is beyond my powers.  You will have
to take this up with my superior." "Ok," said the elephant, "Where
exactly do I go?"
"Oh," replied the wizard, "just follow the yellow dick toad."
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 15:06:49 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Kevin R. Cain" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Addr: Drunken Driving

FROM: Kevin R. Cain


Read this in the paper today. Thought it worth passing along.

OSLO, NORWAY -

   A man accused of drunken driving got his case thrown out
after a judge ruled that the vehicle in question - an electric
wheelchair - was to slow to be a hazard. Roar Karlsen left a bar
last June after drinking 6 beers. In his wheelchair, which has a
top speed of 4 mph, he zipped past some police officers, then
returned to ask them if he was allowed to operate the wheelchair
since he had been drinking. The officers responded by testing
his alcohol level and fining him the equivalent of $600.00
for driving under the influence.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 15:16:08 -0500
Reply-To:     Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Egypt (adult language)

(1)     Here we are in ancient Egypt.  The teacher is having his students
write a dictation in hieroglyphics:
        "The Egyptian people are the most viril in the whole world...."
The students take out a stylus and some papyrus and begin to write in
hieroglyphics.  Then, one kid in the corner raises his hand and asks,
"Viril ... do you spell that with one or two balls?"



(2)     Here's a FLAME that may come in handy from time to time.  I think
the humor list also needs a GREAT JOKE award that can be sent to folks
who brighten our day!

                    _
               (   (
              { )  ())
             (  )( }{ )
            (   )~  {  )
            (   <^^>   )
             (_<____>_)
              F L A M E          (By [e-mail])
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 15:13:59 -0500
Reply-To:     Andrew B Stellman <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Andrew B Stellman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Heating Units

Pittsburgh, PA, had a cold wave last week, and the governor declared a
state of emergency due to power shortage. Several people complained that
their heat was not working. The cause was a frozen heating element in
the apartment heating unit. So the following sign appeared in the
elevators:

"Do not turn your heat off, to prevent your unit from freezing."

Andy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
Andrew Stellman | "If I ever become a scandalous famous person, I'm going   |
[e-mail]     |  to start a diary, and write two hours of mindless drivel |
read alt.spleen |  every evening, more if I can find the time, and force    |
be kind to frogs|  Congress to sift through it all."      -- Sam Kass       |
________________|___________________________________________________________|
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 17:27:29 -0700
Reply-To:     Jon Keller <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jon Keller <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Heating Units
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]> from "Andrew B Stellman"
              at Jan 26, 94 03:13:59 pm

please unsubscribe me to your newsgroup
my address is [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 19:27:53 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Sara Rummelhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Do you ____ on the first date? <poem with adult themes and
              language>

Do You Fuck On First Dates

Blown to much of me time, buyin' dinner and wine
and me money on flowers and lollies.
Only to find, that what's on me mind
Isn't on hers and she's sorry.
So I've made up some lines, to save wastin' time
and keep me from blowin' me brass.
I'm ever so cool, I just prop on the stool,
right next to hers and I ask.

Do ya' fuck on first dates?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Could I feel your tits?
Or would you show them to me?
Cause ya' got a nice head.
And you look pretty honest.
So, me face'll be leavin' in quarter of an hour,
I'd like you to be on it.

You know how it feels when you first meet a sheela,
and the bullshit ya' gotta go through.
Like callin' her up, and tellin' her ya love her,
when all that you'd love is just a screw.
But she wants to hold hands and you to meet her, oh man,
and sit around for hours and talk.
But me new method is, you just cut through the shit,
and get down to the goodies straight off.

Do ya' fuck on first dates?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Could I feel your tits?
Or would you show them to me?
Do ya' sleep in the nick?
Do ya' give head very often?
If we can decide, your place or mine,
we can fuck often.

So the next time ya' see a good lookin' sheela,
and you'd give a weeks pay ta' hold her.
Don't sit actin' dumb, just front her full on,
and drop a few lines that I told ya'.
This new method of mine, might not work every time,
but then again no method will.
I've been spat at and slapped, and kneed in the knackers,
but then I've got a few fucks as well.

Do ya' fuck on first dates?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Could I feel your tits?
Or would you show them to me?
If the answer is no, to me questions above,
then be a good sport and give me the name
of a girlfriend who does.


Note: I didn't write this; it appears to be Australian in origin.
Don't you love Australian humor. Sara
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 17:14:46 PST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Warning -- original Sender: tag was
              [e-mail]
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Life  3.G     A collection of clean humor gathered on:  4 Oct 88

----------------------------------------------------

     Remember the old joke about the ship's captain who wrote something
nasty about the first mate in the ship's log book?
     To get revenge, the first mate wrote in the log:
        The captain was sober today.

     The longest period of time known to man is ETERNITY.
     The second longest period of time is the time from when your boss says your
going to get a raise until you actually do.

     The problem, to paraphrase Ayn Rand, is not those who dream, but those
who can >only< dream.

----------------------------------------------------

Why is a Russian comedian's job easier than an American comedian's ?
.. Because he has a 'captive audience' !

you can't insult somebody in the soviet union by saying their
mother wears combat boots, because, chances are, she does.

Siberian Huskie to Russian Wolfhound: Comrade, tell me please, what
        is Glasnost and Perestroika?
Russian Wolfhound to Siberian Huskie: Glasnost is: the leash is longer
        and you can bark all you want.
        Perestroika is: they move the food dish farther away.

  An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages.
Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it.
  "Thank God," she says.
  A man in the seat behind her says "Excuse me comerade, but this is an athiest
society.  You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'"
  "Of course you are right," the old woman says.  "Thank Stalin."  She is
silent for a moment, then says: "Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought:
  What shall we say when Stalin dies?"
  The man behind her replies "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'"

----------------------------------------------------

An elderly woman opened her refrigerator one day and found a little
bunny rabbit sitting inside.
"What do you think you're doing in my refrigerator?" she demanded.
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" replied the rabbit.
"Yeah; so what?"
"I'm just westing."

----------------------------------------------------

1. An apartment building my wife and I lived in, before our first child,
where, quite literally, of 14 apartments, at least eight were occupied
by couples where the men sat around all day drinking beer.  They NEVER
worked.  One of the more memorable quotes heard through the paper-thin
walls (and no, I wasn't trying to listen -- the walls were THAT thin).

"You aren't pulling your weight around here."

"Yes I am -- I'm trying to get on welfare."

----------------------------------------------------

Last week the local power company had a minor problem and much of
downtown Madison and the UW-Madison campus lost power.  Turns out that
the computer science building got power restored before many of the
other buildings.

When asked why we got our power back so soon, someone claimed that we
have a generator in the basement with a squirrel running on a wheel to
generate it.  To which someone else remarked: "Only one squirrel powers
the whole building???  Must be Canadian."

----------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 17:40:27 -0800
Reply-To:     "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dr. David Lustig" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Offensive to the Network Impaired

WARNING!  THIS MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO YOU IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW OR WHY YOU ARE IN
THIS GROUP!  (You know who you are).


Q:   Why did the chicken cross the road?






















A:  Please UNSUBSCRIBE me from your service.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|                              Dr. Dave                                    |
|  [e-mail]                                                 |
|                                                                          |
|                                I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV.   |
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 20:40:49 -0600
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Re: Addr: Drunken Driving
In-Reply-To:  Your message of "Wed, 26 Jan 1994 15:06:49 EST".

> FROM: Kevin R. Cain
>
>
> Read this in the paper today. Thought it worth passing along.
>
> OSLO, NORWAY -
>
>    A man accused of drunken driving got his case thrown out
> after a judge ruled that the vehicle in question - an electric
> wheelchair - was to slow to be a hazard. Roar Karlsen left a bar
> last June after drinking 6 beers. In his wheelchair, which has a
> top speed of 4 mph, he zipped past some police officers, then
> returned to ask them if he was allowed to operate the wheelchair
> since he had been drinking. The officers responded by testing
> his alcohol level and fining him the equivalent of $600.00
> for driving under the influence.
Should have read the last paragraph.  The judge let him off -
a 'vehicle' that only goes 4 mph does not pose a hazzard.
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 10:00:59 EST5EDT
Reply-To:     Andy Mavrias <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Andy Mavrias <[e-mail]>
Organization: McGill University - 550 Complex
Subject:      A true story...

Howdy folks,

    O.K. if you already know the game SimCity 2000, read on, if not -
PGDN past the story to the little explanation, then come back & read
my little tale.

THE FOLLOWING IS 100% TRUE

    Sitting around at my friend Scott's the other day, playing some
computer golf, when the phone rings.  Scott's brother, Ryan, answers
the phone and starts having a conversation with someone on the other
end.  So I'm sort of listening without really listening, and overhear
him say "Geez, riots, fires, earthquakes - what more can your city
take."

    So, hearing this, I turn to Scott and say, "Ah, someone playing
Simcity 2000, eh?"(I am canadian), at which Ryan blocks the receiver
and says, "No, I'm talking to my Mom in L.A."


L8r!









Explanation:

    SimCity 2000 is a computer simulation game which allows you to
design a city, placing industrial, commercial and residential zones,
roads, highways, rail & subway systems Etc., etc.

    At varying points in the game, disasters may strike your city -
Tornados, Hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, etc.

If you want more info, just mail me.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
[e-mail] |                                       |
Andy Mavrias                 |                  Life                 |
Systems Manager/Programmer   |                 has no                |
McGill University, ICC       |               UNDO  button            |
Montreal, Quebec, CANADA(eh) |                                       |
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 23:09:06 -0500
Reply-To:     mike faughey <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         mike faughey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      (R)
In-Reply-To:  <[e-mail]>

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Little Boy Blue

Little Boy Blue Who?

Michael Jackson....
------------------------------------------------------------
I hear that John Bobbit requested a name change to avoid further ridicule=
=20
- from now on he's to be called Les Johnson......

------------------------------------------------------------

Mi=EBe
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 00:40:25 EST
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Nic van der Vyver <[e-mail]>
Subject:      sour to scotsmen

----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------

To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL

From: Nico van der Vyver
Subject: sour to scotsmen

Angus was having a heap of sore from a thumb -hold up right hand
thumb- and went to the doctor.

"Doctorr, I'm really sufferring because my rright thoomb is soo sourr"
says Angus, "can you do somethin fourr it?"

"Aye, Angus," says the doctor, "I can well see you have a rreal big
prroblem therre.   Unforrtunately the only rremedy for this one is you
will have to stick your thoomb up an elephant's ass!  Rrealy, I mean
that!"

So off goes Angus, very despondent because there are no elephants to be
found anywhere in Aberdeen and the circus is not in town, etc.
His despondency is noticed by lovely Kirsty who asks him, "Goodness,
Angus, what might be the matter?  Anything I can help with?"

Angus explains his sour thumb, the doctor's advice and the fact that
there are no elephants around.   Kirsty takes this to heart, and suggests,
"Angus, one can nay always find the best answer, but perrhaps it will
also do if you stick yourr thoomb up MY ass?"

"Aye, good idea", says Angus and the two promptly slip behind the nearest
bush.   Big commotion.   Kirsty's voice, "Aayeeeee! Angus, thaats not my
ass"    "Rright," says Angus, "...and that's not my thoomb either!"



n
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 01:41:28 -0500
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Jan Spoerri <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Lorena on the net

What did Lorena say to John after doing the dreadful deed?



















"That's what you get for sending UNSUBSCRIBE to everyone on
the list!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Wed, 26 Jan 1994 23:53:34 PST
Reply-To:     "Viktor H. Berry" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Viktor H. Berry" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: license plates and occupational names

>Given the license plate lists recently appearing I'd thought I'd add this one

My first name is Viktor (spelled that way because my mom is from Europe) and
I am an attorney. Most of my work is commercial landlord tenant work with
shopping centers and office buildings.

As the bulk of my work is commercial eviction trials, my secretary ordered
license plates for me reading "EVIKTOR."
Viktor Berry  Sacramento, California USA
Internet: [e-mail]
NewtonMail: [e-mail]
=========================================================================
Date:         Tue, 25 Jan 1994 08:46:00 GMT+0800
Reply-To:     "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bobbittry a la Philipines

A word of warning for anyone tempted to take up the offer to have a protective
metal cover made to measure and to be worn at night to protect one's penis:

In a newspaper report this Sunday a Philipines woman went on trial for
connecting her husband's penis to an electric stunner used in the killing of
animals in revenge for his attacks on her. The husband later died in hospital.
Could this be a new use for the condom - to place it over the metal sheath so
that it won't conduct electricity?

Mike R
=========================================================================
Date:         Mon, 24 Jan 1994 09:23:00 GMT+0800
Reply-To:     "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HumoUr from the Hong Kong press

From:   OLIV1::MROBERT      "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" 21-JAN-1994 13:35:14.
87
To:     IN%"[e-mail]",IN%"[e-mail]"
CC:     MROBERT
Subj:   HumoUr from the Hong Kong press

Excerpts from the local paper over the last year or so

#1
All the electricity went off in the Cheng Sha area of Lantau
during recent storms. A resident phoned one of the supermarkets
to see if it was open. He asked if they had electricity. "No
sir," replied the staff member. "We don't sell electricity."

#2
A hotel guest phoned the concierge at the Madarin Oriental hotel
to ask him to buy the guest a copy of a Beethoven record.
Guest: Do you know who Beethoven is?
Concierge: No. What room is he in?
Guest: No, no, he's dead.
Concierge: Oh! We'd better call security!

#3
A notice in a railway station informs passengers:
RENOVATION WORK IS IN PROGRESS. TOILETS WILL BE PARTIALLY
SUSPENDED FOR USE.
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 10:06:06 GMT
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Lorena on the net

]
]What did Lorena say to John after doing the dreadful deed?
]
]
]"That's what you get for sending UNSUBSCRIBE to everyone on
]the list!"
]

"Your "net-support(s)" are no good. And by the way, all your submissions
 are going in the wrong place. Solution. Cut it out.


Derryck/
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 12:25:54 GMT
Reply-To:     [e-mail]
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
Comments:     <Parser> W: DATE field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
Comments:     <Parser> W: FROM field duplicated. Last occurrence was retained.
Comments:     Resent-From: Gary Chapman <[e-mail]>
Comments:     Originally-From: Gary Chapman <[e-mail]>
From:         Gary Chapman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      lesbian joke

I usually dont tell Irish jokes, but since I'm Irish I think I am entitled
to tell this one, anyway paddy walks into this bar and spots this very
attractive girl sitting alone, he tells the barman to send her over a drink,
The barman replies forget it, your wasting your time, she's a lesbian,
I dont care paddy replies, send her over a drink, later on he buys her
another drink and makes his way towards her, Hi ya doin Im Paddy and I'm
pleased to meet you,   the lady replies, shove off paddy I'm not interested
I'm a lesbian, but I dont care paddy replies.
  Look the lady says to paddy, do you see that tall blonde with the
round breasts, and the big red lips down the bar,
Yes paddy replies, well the lady says, I would like to go down to her
and give her a big kiss on them big red lips.
To which paddy replies, WELL I MUST BE A LESBIAN TOO
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 08:52:34 EST
Reply-To:     "Thomas L. Gossard" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Thomas L. Gossard" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      talk show blurt out

This is my first ever posting, hope I got it right.

I was listening to the radio yesterday, one of those
talk shows, Vickie Carr was the host I believe.  The
general discussion was about what bothers women about men.
The discussion had turned to the problem that men never ask
for directions when lost.  The "expert" was explaining that
this is because men like to feel confident and in control
of the situation.  One of the audience members interjected
at that moment that she felt men were also not very
flexable stating "... when I'm lost I just change where I
want to go ...".

Sounded quite funny in the context of the moment.

Thomas
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 09:25:10 -0500
Reply-To:     "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Amy L. Ward" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Do you have an annoying habit of posting admin requests to this
              list?  Read on <offensive to morons>

I didn't write this, but I sure wish I had.

***************************************************************************
* Amy L. Ward                       *                                     *
* Career Center                     *  Eagles fly, but weasels don't      *
* The George Washington University  *  get sucked into jet engines.       *
* [e-mail]            *                                     *
***************************************************************************


A woman approached the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter asked for her social
security number.  The woman told him, and Saint Peter typed on his workstation:

pearly-gates:~/peter> grep 212-53-6432 /earth/human/status

The computer responded:

212-53-6432  Cindy Smith  [e-mail]!earth    naughty
pearly-gates:~/peter>

Saint Peter then told her she was eternally damned, and that a minivan to hell
would be arriving shortly.

Cindy began to protest "but what did I do wrong?  I loved my fellow neighbor
as I loved myself, I was a kind, warm, gentle person!  Surely there must be a
mistake!"

So, Saint Peter looked up on the files, and saw, lo and behold that she truly
was a kind, warm, gentle person...until he saw the entry for jan 7, 1992-earth,
which read:

***DAMNABLE VIOLATION #69*** Posted irrelevent article to newsgroup.

After probing a little more, Saint Peter explained to the woman "It seems that
on Janurary 7, 1992 you posted an article to Alt.religion.computers.  This
article gave no praise of Emacs, no snide remarks toward Microsoft, and not
even a comment on the proper definition of 'hacker'!  In fact, the article
was not even relating to computers at all, and discussed, of all things,
human religion!  There wasn't even a reference to Bob or Discordianism, Zen,
or the Tao of programming.  Oh dear, this is terrible."

"You see, heaven is a perfect place, and we only have room for the most
perfect people.  Ever since we ran the T-3 line up from New Jersey we've been
particularly harsh on breakers of netettiquite.  Didn't you read RFC-23654?
The one proposing commandments 11 through 15?"

He opened up an XTerm window and searched for some files.  After a few
moments, the laser printer spat out a crisp sheet of paper.  It read:

11: Thou shalt not flame spelling or grammer.
12: Thou shalt not have a .sig file longer than 3 lines.
13: Thou shalt not send "All fags must die" messages to 19 random groups.
14: Thou shalt not request post a frequently asked question.
15: Thou shalt not post to a group without first reading a week's worth of
    posts, thereby avoiding irrelevent articles.
16: Thou shall not post administrative requests to the main list.

When she was done, she began to stammer, but Saint Peter stopped her, saying
"I'm sorry.  There's nothing I can do.  To register a complaint, you'll have
to send mail to [e-mail].  We have a group of
cherubum who manage such requests.  But don't send it to status-change@godvax.
heaven.com, otherwise your request will be distribute to the whole mailing
list.  They *hate* that! In fact, there's some discussion about making that
the 16th commandment..."

At that point, a Dodge minivan drove up and came to a stop.  Satan, in the
form of an IBM salesperson, stepped out.  "Welcome!", she said.  "We've been
waiting for you..."  Cindy, almost in a trance, stepped into the minivan
and was wisked away to the netherworld, a world of COBOL, System 36's, punch
cards, incompatible network standards, and irresponsible news posters.
Satan turned to Cindy, and smiled.  "You'll like it here", she said, "We have
netnews, but we've greatly simplified it.  We have only one group, it's
alt.talk.sci.comp.soc.rec.misc!"
=========================================================================
Date:         Thu, 27 Jan 1994 09:43:52 -0500
Reply-To:     "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission,
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
Sender:       UGA Humor List <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission,
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      It's been cold up here... (earthy)

                 A Cold Day in Ithaca, New York
                           by Jim Mica

       No doubt about it, it has been cold here in central New
York.  It's been so cold that there have been reports of IRS
agents shivering and the lawyers (socio-biologists have recently
determined that they are all ectotherms, you know) have been
completely dormant for days.

       The other morning the temperature dipped to 40 below.  I'm
sure of that because the thermometer inside our attached garage
read 30 below.  I remember thinking that at least the garage was
keeping the wind off all the junk stored there.  I went outside
and began to chip the ice off my poor car's windshield.  Almost
immediately, the smoke coming out of my pipe froze solid and
snapped off.  My fingertips started to ache and then I heard a
strange pitiful whining coming from the neighbor's dog.  I
stopped the ice chipping to listen and the whining grew louder,
then it grew muffled.  This made me rather concerned.

       Now this dog is one of those little yipping dogs.  I don't
much care much for the type, but I don't like to hear any animal
in pain, so I walked around the side of the house to where the
muffled y